Constantly being nervous when he's in the room or hear him walking in a room near you. Memorizing his footsteps to see if he will enter the room near you. Terrified of walking around the house because something bad is about to happen to you.
There's always something wrong with me. I'm not allowed to have feelings, emotions, opinions or needs. It's not about what I want. It can't ever be about my needs. I just wanted to know that I was good enough, and I wasn’t the worst human. I'm not allowed to be a human.
I used to dream about the day I could finally leave. I tried to run away several times but was caught. I wanted to call child services but they said my life would be way worse there.
Escaping from reality was the only way I could run away. Day dreaming, curling up in the corner, forcing myself to be quiet in my closet. Swaying back and forth until I could fall asleep in peace. Crying wasn’t allowed so I had to cover my mouth and force myself to be silent for years and years.
I thought everyone grew up in a home this bad. It was normal to be hit, even throughout high school. It was normal that I wasn’t allowed to be a person with feelings, opinions and even capable of making decisions. I'm just a disobedient bad kid. I've always wanted to tell him how much I hated him for years and years but I was scared it would get way worse.
It wasn't until when I was older, when I became physically scared of the man I was about to marry, was when I realized that my childhood wasn't normal.
My counselor recently told me to put my hands straight out in front of me. Do it with power. Hold it for a minute. Showing that I am capable of standing up for myself now. He cannot control me anymore. I can have emotions, feelings, capable of making decisions. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.