Constantly being nervous when he's in the room or hear him walking in the room near you. Memorizing his footsteps to see if he will enter the room near you. Terrified of walking around the house at night because something bad will happen. Not having any choices.
There was always something wrong with me, I'm wasn't allowed to have feelings, emotions, opinions. It was always my fault, I was just born messed up. I'm wasn't allowed to have a voice. I'm wasn't allowed to be a human.
I just wanted to know that I was enough.
I used to dream about the day I could finally leave. I tried to run away several times but I was caught. I wanted to call child services but they said my life would be way worse and I believed them.
Escaping from reality was the only way I could run away. Escaping to my roof, curling up in the corner, forcing myself to be quiet in my closet. Swaying back and forth until I could fall asleep in peace. Crying wasn’t allowed so I had to cover my mouth and force myself to be silent for years and years.
I thought everyone grew up in a home this bad. It was normal to be hit, even throughout high school. It was normal that I wasn’t allowed to be a person with feelings, opinions and even capable of making decisions. I'm just a disobedient bad kid. I've always wanted to tell him how much I hated him for years and years but I was scared it would get way worse.
It wasn't until when I was about to be married when I realized that this wasn't everyone else's childhood. This actually wasn't normal.
My counselor recently told me to put my hands straight out in front of me. Do it with power. Hold it for a minute. Showing that I am capable of standing up for myself now. I can have emotions, feelings, capable of making decisions. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.